Sweet friends, I have had a tough week and a half.
I’m not sharing for sympathy, no, I just want to be honest and share what I have discovered or should I say have relearned.
Oh my word.
Not to mention, envy, self ridicule, loathing, anger… . I’m more than embarrassed to admit that these have been the words that would describe me this past week. I usually love Christmas but some reason, this Christmas was clouded by these horrible thoughts. Again, damn it.
It was like I gave myself coal in my stocking, because it’s what I thought I deserved. In the words from Jamie, the very worst missionary, “Go home Christmas, your drunk!” (PS, she is hilarious, check her out!)
I’m not going to lie, I really felt like I needed to be drunk the entire week. Me and the old pocket flask might have been BFFs if I had remembered it, or if I just even had one. Anyways, you guys, I got sucked into the whirlwind of feeling just plain not good enough. My presents weren’t wrapped pretty enough and I didn’t have cute calligraphy on them. I didn’t have an amazing table scape to display my loads of Christmas DIYs that so perfectly accented my beautiful Christmas outfit, and the only thing I actually made this Christmas was the trip to Safeway to pick up salsa (because people like to say salsa) to bring to dinner because that’s all I could make in my kitchen that doesn’t exist right now because we are living in a basement bedroom.
Our Christmas cards are now New Years Cards because get this…. I had loads of typos! Damn it!
Sometimes, this blog can feel like a burden because I feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m not emitting enough creative juice out into the world of Pinterinstagram.
I have failed.
Oh, but just wait. It’s Christmas. I had completely forgotten what Christmas means. It’s not about the perfect Christmas card photo, or about making your own gift tags from recycled leaves and what not. It’s about HIM. He came to save us all. Even the messed up, screwed up, ripped tights wearing (because yes that happened too), self loathing, fearful, envious grinch of them all. He loves me, yes, even me. Even you!
Please don’t think my Christmas was horrible. It wasn’t. I was with family, we had good food including great salsa (thank you Safeway), and we were blessed immensely. But it took me a while to realize just how stupid I was being. That is where I failed.
But it’s ok, because of His amazing love and mercy, I am loved, forgiven and all His perfect love can cast out my fear of being so insecure. So you know what? “Go home insecurity, your drunk!”
It’s ok to not be perfect. Because He is.