I choose hope!
Today is Monday. It is the start of a brand new week as well as a brand new month. I love the start of new things because you get a fresh beginning and a chance to fix something that you may have gotten wrong in the past. I think this is why I have enjoyed moving so much. My husband, Andy and I have moved a total of 4 times in the last 4 years, at least 4 different states. We have moved several more times from place to place inside these states. Each time I get to decorate a new house or apartment, locate the grocery store, discover that great coffee place and find a new favorite date night place. I generally enjoy the moving… but there is a side to the moving that has been weighing on my heart that I just can’t seem to shake.
I have to admit I am a little embarrassed to write about this, but I figure that it might help someone too, and if it does, then I have accomplished what I set out to do with this blog. Inspired someone to flourish and hope in their life.
So with out further adieu… the moving blues.
Yesterday was a hard day. It seems fitting that it happened on Easter because it showed me just how much I need love, grace and forgiveness and above all, Jesus. All the feelings that I had been having over the past 9 months exploded out of me and into at least a half a box of tissues while my sweet husband just sat with me and held my hand. He is too good to me.
Let me start at the beginning. We moved to DC about 9 months ago with the thrill of adventure in our hearts. It has been a dream of mine to live in the city since I was a little girl. I never thought this dream would become reality, and then it did. So, moving here, I had HUGE expectations of how amazing life was going to be. Well, life got a little bumpy from the very start when the job Andy was supposed to be finishing lasted for months after the move. And I mean months, 5 to be exact. He would leave me very early Monday morning and not come back till mid afternoon on Friday. Our weekends were spent looking for a new church, grocery shopping, playing catch up and him having to work from home in the spare moments. I quickly found myself all alone and unaware of my new surroundings. Making friends was hard because I didn’t have a job until about 2 months after moving and even when I did find a job, I was primarily working with one other person or by myself. I kept telling myself it would get better. That God had a plan.
Finally, those 5 months ended, Andy finally “moved” to DC and I again, thought, now things will get better. We had made a few friends, I had a good friend actually move to DC who has been a real life saver and we finally found an amazing church and small group. But I was still struggling to find a “place” here.
Then I got rocked when I received a vicious email from someone I thought I had become friends with telling me that I was not someone she could see being friends with because I was too agressive (this was a shock, because sweet people who are reading this, I am the least aggressive person I know, I hate conflict and I would rather jump off a cliff than hurt someone’s feelings). I still don’t understand her motives and reasoning behind it; it still makes me cry after a couple of months. Then about a week ago, I was laid off. I am still processing through this. It is an opportunity to do major things that I have always dreamed of, such as start this blog and my own stationery line but there are feelings of failure lurking in the shadows. Shadows that already feel too dark. It was yesterday morning that I opened up my letter for my unemployment benefits and it just hit me. Failure. Failure of not having a job, of not having made many friends and failure of not making the most of this move. I think it also didn’t help that I was not feeling well but it just boiled up and boiled over.
I cried for about 45 mins straight, wiped all the make up off my face with the tissues and then I feel asleep hard for the next 3 hours. I don’t even remember Andy leaving for church. I am so sad I missed our Easter service at our church, we had just come back from the Sunrise service on the mall and I was extra tired, which didn’t help my situation.
After I woke up, God and I had a talk. I told him how much I needed him because I was definitely not going to get through this by myself. I thought that especially after 4 moves I would have it down! But I think that this is where I get it wrong. It’s when things get comfortable and ok that God reaches in and removes the things that are in the place of Him. Instead of really relying on him, I just figured I could work it out and give Him the glory later.
It was not my intention to write a book on this or to gather sympathy. I don’t want sympathy, just prayers please, and maybe a call once in awhile to say hey. I am writing this to say, I don’t have it figured out and instead of wallowing in my sadness, I am choosing hope. Hope in Him and hope in the plan that he really does have for my life. Because He is good, He is alive and He is certainly much more smarter than I am.
I know it will take time to heal these feeling and I have so much more to process through. I thought I would just share my plan of action with you all. I hope that one of these will find it’s way into your hands too, they are amazing things.
1. Jesus Calling – This book is incredible. They are daily readings of Jesus “directly” speaking to you based on scripture. Sweet and to the point. I start every morning with one of these, and when I don’t, I miss it.
2. The Bible- Of course this is the number one thing to start with. This is the exact Bible I have, and it may seem super girlie but it was a wedding present from a dear friend and it means so much to me.
3. Draw the Circle- I promise this isn’t a plug for this book, but our pastor here in DC at National Community Church wrote this book and it is changing how I pray. I recommend it for everyone especially those who don’t know what they are doing when they pray, like me!
4. A Notebook- These are from Rifle Paper Co. and I can’t get enough of her stuff. Vintage meets elegant means I will love it. I have found that journaling my feelings and prayers helps a lot and I need to continue to do this as I process things.
5. A good verse and inspirational print- I don’t own this one yet but I am planning of purchasing it from French Press Mornings in the future. This verse reminds me of what my focus should really be on.
I hope you have stuck with me all the way through this post. I promise that they will not all be like this. Sometimes we just need to get out what’s really going on and maybe through our hurt we can help others heal!