Pregnancy, TCBY, Jesus, and Naps
These past few months have been a blur and so much has been going on; I feel like I have glossed over some big things, and have forgotten to really share what exactly has been going on. Even though, I’m sure, most of you already know, I’m pregnant and that is a huge blessing and miracle. But I feel like I have so much more to share and I haven’t been fair to all those who truly care. So, I’m sorry, this is long overdue.
So currently, I am 20 weeks pregnant, but this story needs to go back about 25 weeks.
There are dreams that we carry. Dreams that we hold so close that sometimes we don’t actually see what’s really going on or what we need be thinking about, and the biggest surprise is what God has in store. My dream was and still is in some way, Boo & Scout. You can read more about that here. It was something so close to my heart that I couldn’t think about anything else, even when feelings started to nag at my heart. It took a soul searching trip, lots of tears… and then there was my health.
I have always had health issues; most have had to do with hormones and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. For some years, I have been able to control my symptoms and have had a a good grasp on my health but I started to not feel so great early September and into October. A friend had mentioned a doctor who specialized in hormonal issues and I realized it was time to seek some more help, that I couldn’t do it on my own again and to get to the bottom of why I wasn’t feeling so great.
It was also around this time that I began to hear whispers that life was going to change. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew God was trying to tell me something. To lead me to a place where I had to just lean on him. I had quit my amazing job, had pursued another one, and had started to gear up to starting my own business, Boo & Scout. And while I felt like my heart should be settled, it wasn’t; it wasn’t anywhere near settled. I was confused, hurt, lost, and while Andy and I were on a trip, I began to do some serious soul searching and ask what God really was trying to speak to me.
Sometimes, for me, what I think I want so badly is what God wants too, but as I get older, I see that I am clouded with my own selfish desires. The lesson never gets easier. It’s not that I don’t think God hears my desires but I know that it is all in good timing, and it’s not always my timing.
After we returned home from our trip, I set to get my heart straight and to go see the doctor. In late October, Andy and I sat ourselves in the doctor’s office and waited to hear what my full blood panel had revealed. It took about an hour to get through all the information and it is still foggy in my head, but what it came down to is that my body just wasn’t working together, and would never without some help. It was hard to hear and I had an uphill battle a head of me but the hardest decision was that I had to make a life decision that turned out the best choice.
I had to call it quits. I pulled the plug on Boo & Scout, at least for this moment in time. It took a blood test to finally show me I wasn’t ready for what I thought I was and that God had a bigger plan. I also realized that these last few months, I had been running from a God who loved me, no matter what. A God who saw me in my darkest, loneliest place. When I felt that I had lost everything I had dreamed of and had no control over what came next, I had Jesus. And I needed him because life was going to get crazier…
After a few weeks of trying to get life back to somewhat normal, I started to feel even weirder. I felt like it was just the effects of going through life changing decisions but I just couldn’t shake how bad I felt. Looking back now, it makes me laugh at how I just couldn’t read the signs, but I wasn’t expecting a miracle.
After a lot of complaining to Andy, two pregnancy tests, a lot of happy tears, much needed naps, and many trips to TCBY for preggo cravings, Andy and I are preparing for the biggest life change as of yet. A little baby. A surprise beyond any belief and the biggest shock because when I thought I saw a dream dying, Jesus granted us another dream we never thought possible.
So, sweet friends, this has been hard. Crazy hard; harder than anything I have personally been through before. I am still trying to figure out why, but I am no longer lost. Pregnancy hasn’t been easy, in fact, I have a new appreciation for all mamas, because someday’s I can’t get out of bed. But, the biggest thing I have learned is that no matter what I am going through, in any storm that I whether, Jesus is not going to let me sink.
I know that Boo & Scout can’t happen right now, there is no physical/mental/emotional way I could start that endeavor but I have hope that it will happen at the right time. Because at this time, God is calling Andy and I to be parents, and I can’t even describe how amazing that feels. In fact, we just recently found out what we will be having… but you will have to tune in next week to find out :)!
But until then, I have been able to focus on appreciating the little things of life before our baby arrives. I have been able to spend time with our animals, photographing some of our favorite people, and taking a much needed vacation to see some of our friends.
I know this post is long, thank you for sticking with me and hearing my heart. Thank you too for all of you who have shown your support through texts, calls, and gifts as well. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the love that surrounds me, Andy, and this little life we have been given.