soul searching, loss, and hope
This past month, well the last two, have been an upheaval in our household. We have had change before in our lives, and I could handle big change, especially when it came to decisions that we had to make together. But these past months, these changes were at a much more personal level or seemed to affect my heart with a higher price.
It rocked my world. I felt lost and confused.
I had my first panic attack. All I remember is lying on our bedroom floor feeling the intangible weight press against me and the pit in my stomach growing; I called Andy, asking what I should do. Uncharted waters, I felt the sharks swimming around. All I could do was pray, so with whispers at first, mixed with tears I climbed up. Every day, felt like an uphill battle.
Little by little, I prayed my way out, still unsure of what my future held, but I began to really question what it is I wanted. What I really wanted. What God truly had in store for me.
I was weary. Exhausted and frustrated, still unsure. In the midst of all this, my family had to make a large decision and lay our family dog to rest. It was putting a very real pain to the loss I was already feeling inside.
So I went home. Home to feel the loss and to rest. To settle my heart and spend time in the mountains. As I ascended into the mountains and the rain turned to snow, I felt freer, like the snow was letting the pain wash away. I felt at rest.
And the hope that I feel is like a breath of fresh air. I just stood on the deck and breathed in the fog.
Tomorrow is another day. And through the snow comes new life. Spring is here and I am ready.