Or I at least cry so hard…
Motherhood. What an amazing, life changing, sleep depriving, messy, milk stained, life. But oh so wonderful.
I have been wanting to write my feelings down for a couple of weeks after our sweet little boy was born, but I wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t be all baby blues and tears. I also wanted it to be as honest as it could be, as to encourage but be real with all those looking at motherhood for the first time.
Our little boy came into this world a week early due to my high blood pressure and I had been experiencing some pretty intense itching that had kept me awake. To say that I was already a bit sleep deprived, is an understatement. I was exhausted, emotional, and so ready to be done being pregnant. When our doctor asked if I had my bag with me…. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I think I even awkwardly hugged our doctor for saying she was going to induce.
I did not have my bag, but I had my husband and with a quick phone call, our parents were on the way.
Fast forward a few hours and an unplanned C-Section (I’ll share that later), we welcomed Baby Boy Casseday into our arms, our family, and our hearts
But…. I was not prepared for the weight of the emotions that were soon to follow. I don’t think any amount of warning or talk can prepare you for the emotions that soon follow after you bring a life into this world; at least it didn’t prepare me.
I wasn’t prepared to feel everything all at once, all the time, and back again. Here, I had this precious life that was given to me, and I felt like I couldn’t keep myself together. Night after night, I would crawl into bed and cry to Andy, sometimes for no reason at all. I expected to be elated, filled with awe, and glowing as a new mom. Instead, I felt overwhelmed, sad, full of love, but empty on some level, as well as completely and utterly sleep deprived. I wanted to hug my little boy and love on him, but I felt like falling to pieces. Everyday was a roller coaster and when I felt like things were finally slowing down, I would find myself in a situation that would send me soaring… (like in Target when I went to change my screaming little boy only to find no diapers in his diaper bag, being in Target, I bought some… only to then find myself in the bathroom with no wipes… kleenex to the rescue-ish). I felt like such a mom failure, how could I forget wipes let alone diapers!
I feared for the day that Andy had to go back to work and felt a bit trapped by the ideas of schedules, routines, nap times and feedings. I asked myself what I had gotten myself into… but I knew that I loved this little boy. I loved him with everything in me; even to the point where I would just cry about how much I loved him.
But everyday I have gotten a bit better. I have reached out to friends and family, prayed, talked it out with Andy and my mom, read strangers on the internet, and prayed some more. I now know that I am not alone in my feelings, nor is it wrong to feel this way. I am not at my best yet, but everyday I wake up for a new purpose and try and love my little boy as much as I can. I am not where I want to be yet, but I know that I will get back to normal with time.
If you find yourself a new mom as I am, and feel so unlike yourself, when the tears won’t stop coming, and you want to crawl out of your own skin… You are not alone. You are NOT ALONE. You are not a bad mother; you are healing. Learning to live a new life. It’s ok to grieve the old one without feeling guilty and if you forget diapers and wipes at some point… girl, lets get start a club and get jackets because apparently there are lots of us who have done this :). I encourage you to reach out and talk about how you feel; no one will judge you, at least no mama will. We are in this together, raising our tribes and being as honest as we can with each other. There is no shame in that.
And if for some reason you read a blog written by a former Bachelorette about her first few weeks as a new mom… don’t believe a damn thing she says. It’s not easy, it’s not filled with adrenaline, and the hardest thing about new motherhood is not giving you dog equal attention as your new baby. She probably has a nanny, and a make-up crew, and a stylist and…..well, just don’t buy into her “I’ve got it together bullsh*t”.
Thanks for reading my heart, not judging my feelings, and for all your support and love. For all the meals, texts, FB messages,visits, cards, gifts, diapers, and more; we have felt your love in so many ways and we couldn’t have done this without. Our little boy has such an amazing village behind him. Thank you, thank you for everything as I mom so hard.