Motherhood. What an amazing, life changing, sleep depriving, messy, milk stained, life. But oh so wonderful.
I have been wanting to write my feelings down for a couple of weeks after our sweet little boy was born, but I wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t be all baby blues and tears. I also wanted it to be as honest as it could be, as to encourage but be real with all those looking at motherhood for the first time.
These past few months have been a blur and so much has been going on; I feel like I have glossed over some big things, and have forgotten to really share what exactly has been going on. Even though, I’m sure, most of you already know, I’m pregnant and that is a huge blessing and miracle. But I feel like I have so much more to share and I haven’t been fair to all those who truly care. So, I’m sorry, this is long overdue.
So currently, I am 20 weeks pregnant, but this story needs to go back about 25 weeks.
This year, I found my birth grandparents, or I should say they found me. I am sorry it has taken so long to share this part, but I needed time to process and life was a little busy. But I do have so much to share.
If you read Part 1 of my story, I left off explaining about the letter I sent to my birth mom. About a year went by, life moved on, Andy and I moved home and settled back into normal life. I would think about the letter often but figured that it had been lost, and I prayed that when the time was right, God would settle my heart.
I don’t remember the day, I wish I had written it down, but I walked into my office, sat down, turned on my computer and checked my personal email. For some reason, I checked my personal email. I never do that first thing at work. NEVER. And there is was….
“Emilie, we are your birth grandparents”
My heart stopped. I scanned and reread about 4 times, I then called my co-worker in to read the email just to make sure I was reading it right. I started to cry, what do I write back, which questions do I ask first, what, what, what…
I immediately called Andy, my husband, and tried to convey what was going on. The email I had been waiting for, for a year and a half had come and I had no idea what to do next.
I don’t want to rush the story, there is so much to tell, but there is also a level of privacy I want to keep. God answered a prayer. He heard my heart and connected me to a part of my past that I desperately needed to feel. But I know He is still working in a way that I am learning to understand.
What I do want to share with you is that I have now established an amazing relationship with my grandparents. They are amazing, wonderful people.
I now know my complete story and my original name. Mallory Rose. It’s beautiful to me, just like God’s plan is.
I hope someday I am able to share more with you all, but please understand that I want to protect hearts and family. My birth mom is still precious to me and I pray for her all the time. She made such an amazing sacrifice and because of that, I have had more love shown for me than I deserve.
Family is amazing. It is more than blood. It is never ending flow of relationships based on love and acceptance. And to celebrate this concept I have gathered my favorite tee-shirts designs from Sevenly, who’s campaign this week is helping orphaned children. Check them out!
It has been a great month. This month has been one of those months that we have just been blown away by. Almost literally, the winter wind this month has just about had me packing up again…but… you guys, guess what?
This blog is back in business!
I have enjoy the break, much more than I thought I would. It was so needed and it gave me a chance to enjoy some other things around me as well as giving me a new focus on what I want Flourish and Hope to become. Not only was February a great mini break for me, but it turned out to be a huge game changer in our lives.
Andy and I bought our dream house!
Who saw that coming? We certainly did not. In fact, we are still pinching ourselves. God came through, like really came through, over the top, placed grace on these underserving humans came through. I want to make a note that just because we have found our house for the next 30 years does not mean that God loves us. He loved us before we found this house, before we were able to make this purchase and he loves us regardless of the physical things in our lives. He does not use physical things to show his love. No, it was the process, the people, the experiences that we had during this whole situation where we felt God working and orchestrating. We found the house almost by accident, we were able to be one of the first people to actually see the house, we met with a lender who squeezed us in at the last minute, and our offer was accepted after someone else’s had fallen through. You guys, this happened in a matter of 3 DAYS!
We are so grateful, thankful, overwhelmed and excited. We know that when God gives, it is for a purpose. We don’t take this lightly. We have huge dreams for this house! I’m not just talking about the plans for painting and new furniture, because we have those too (check out my Pinterest Boards ), but I am talking about using this house to give back.
We want our house to be a haven, a safe place. We want our bedrooms to be there for those who need them, our sofa for those who want to hang out, our table for those who need food! We can’t wait to have you over!
Want a sneak peek?
We have so many fun projects in store you guys. F&H is going to be full of so much DIY, Painting and hopefully no tears!
Partly because I’m sharing some pretty uncomfortable things for me, and partly because I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I really feel led to share.
I am taking a sabbatical from my precious space here on Flourish and Hope.
When I set out to write and share about life, style, design and faith, one of my biggest objectives was encouraging others to flourish where they are and to hope above all things! Lately, my life, has been so chaotic, I feel like I am not flourishing and sometimes the hope that I have is to just get through the day without crashing into bed at night exhausted from the day.
I have felt guilty, anxious, sad and unbalanced about my time that I have not had with my blog. It became more about getting an amazing post together so that people would read it than about what truly mattered. I began to sacrifice my time with Andy, family, and friends to work on F&H. I pulled away from doing to my quite time with the Lord so that I could write a post that someone may or may not read. I have felt unauthentic, weak and uninspired. When my numbers of readers dropped, I became angry and even wondered if I should quit my day job to devote more time to F&H. My focus became skewed and I realized that I didn’t like who I was becoming and certainly didn’t want my blog to morph into something I didn’t believe in.
I love this blog. It is my creative space. My chance to share what I love and inspire others! But if I can’t stand behind the reasons why I do it, then I shouldn’t be writing.
So, this is where I have come to. I am taking 30 days off from F&H and instead of the time I would spend on writing, editing, designing and more for F&H, I am going to spend it with the Lord. To let Him direct my path, my focus and show me where it is He wants me to go.
I’m hoping he will bring me back to F&H, that this is where he eventually wants me to end up. But I know I have to trust him.
It’s really scary to abandon what you love to find out what it is you really need.
Now to add some humor to this post, I’m embarrassingly going to show you how we have been living. We currently live with Andy’s parents while we decided on where to live next…. hopefully this next step will be apart of some exciting blog news! We still have renters in the home we own, so we are debating whether to move back in, in October, buy a new house or build!
So until then, we have currently downsized again to Andy’s old high school bedroom and we are trying to not bust out of 100 square feet with all our stuff! Between working full time jobs, going to Crossfit 3 times a week, design work and spending time with our friends and family, we are still trying to find the balance in our lives. Now you will see the causalities of our circumstances.
But I refuse to only show the good in our lives. I do not want to foster false impressions. I am human, I struggle and in the midst of trying to obtain a stylish life, I fail in so many ways. May you embrace your failures to so that you can Him work in you!
Oh my gosh, this is so bad. It’s like the Monster at the End of this Book… please don’t turn the page…
The lampshade is even crooked… I’m so embarrassed. Please give me grace!
Friends! I love you dearly. I hope to see you in 30 days. Love, love, love you.
Sweet friends, I have had a tough week and a half.
I’m not sharing for sympathy, no, I just want to be honest and share what I have discovered or should I say have relearned.
Oh my word.
Not to mention, envy, self ridicule, loathing, anger… . I’m more than embarrassed to admit that these have been the words that would describe me this past week. I usually love Christmas but some reason, this Christmas was clouded by these horrible thoughts. Again, damn it.
It was like I gave myself coal in my stocking, because it’s what I thought I deserved. In the words from Jamie, the very worst missionary, “Go home Christmas, your drunk!” (PS, she is hilarious, check her out!)
I’m not going to lie, I really felt like I needed to be drunk the entire week. Me and the old pocket flask might have been BFFs if I had remembered it, or if I just even had one. Anyways, you guys, I got sucked into the whirlwind of feeling just plain not good enough. My presents weren’t wrapped pretty enough and I didn’t have cute calligraphy on them. I didn’t have an amazing table scape to display my loads of Christmas DIYs that so perfectly accented my beautiful Christmas outfit, and the only thing I actually made this Christmas was the trip to Safeway to pick up salsa (because people like to say salsa) to bring to dinner because that’s all I could make in my kitchen that doesn’t exist right now because we are living in a basement bedroom.
Our Christmas cards are now New Years Cards because get this…. I had loads of typos! Damn it!
Sometimes, this blog can feel like a burden because I feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m not emitting enough creative juice out into the world of Pinterinstagram.
I have failed.
Oh, but just wait. It’s Christmas. I had completely forgotten what Christmas means. It’s not about the perfect Christmas card photo, or about making your own gift tags from recycled leaves and what not. It’s about HIM. He came to save us all. Even the messed up, screwed up, ripped tights wearing (because yes that happened too), self loathing, fearful, envious grinch of them all. He loves me, yes, even me. Even you!
Please don’t think my Christmas was horrible. It wasn’t. I was with family, we had good food including great salsa (thank you Safeway), and we were blessed immensely. But it took me a while to realize just how stupid I was being. That is where I failed.
But it’s ok, because of His amazing love and mercy, I am loved, forgiven and all His perfect love can cast out my fear of being so insecure. So you know what? “Go home insecurity, your drunk!”
It’s ok to not be perfect. Because He is.
I needed this reminder so many times this past week. Grab this graphic and save it to your phone, computer, print it out, stick it to your forehead, I don’t care, just remember it!
I can’t believe it is almost Christmas. I feel as if it was just Halloween and I was desperately waiting for Andy to come home. Ah, how my heart sings now that he is home. I almost feel complete again.
This past month and a half has felt like a new beginning wrapped up in familiar air. We are back in my in-laws basement for the second “moving home go-around”, we are seeing our old friends, and my skin is slowly recognizing this bitter winter air as normal.
We are relaxing into our old life and it feels wonderful. But this time there is something different about our life. It doesn’t seem so carefree anymore. Maybe it’s because we are older, we both have more responsibility in our jobs and there just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day.
I feel like I’m juggling a full time job, my design work, photography and F&H while trying to maintain a balanced life with Andy and friends.
Lately, I feel like I have been letting everything slip through my fingers. I know I can’t do everything, but there is a nagging voice inside that says I’m not trying hard enough. It’s so hard to quiet that voice when I feel it’s true.
I want to be able to give my 100% at everything, but I think in my striving to do that, I am really giving about 30% to it all.
In the midst of this familiarity, I can’t help but just feel a little lost. I would love some suggestions, How do you help juggling all the things your love?